The End.

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Waking up with that feeling of confusion, fear and relief is a feeling that I have only felt once in my life. That Sunny September Sunday I woke with a hazed recollection of a disguised nightmare from the night before and a longing for the events of that dream to be fictitious.  A new start, a new season I was telling myself, stay positive and keep moving forward.  For me at that time everything was starting to get better.  Taking it upon myself to repeat my last year alone and carry on till the end with a perseverance I know was passed down to me from an expert. The sun rose on my face as I kicked the sheets away from my body I stopped and thought, and in an instance dismissed the dream I had like any other given day.  I rose, packed my bag and went downstairs to see mum. Walking down the stairs the sunlight from her room caught my eye and momentarily blinded me, still unable to see her face, I walked into the office which had no become and was to continue to be the sick ward of St Andrews. A morbid silence fell as I entered the room and faced her unnerving stare. She gazed at me as if I was her most prized possession. As if all of her life had lead up to this point, the moment of realization that I was ready. Ready for what you ask? I am still trying to figure that out. I always look back and wonder if she knew. Was that look a look of a finished woman. A woman who knew the sun was setting on her life?  I left feeling something wasn’t quite right, not with her but with me.

Then it happened, the world shook anger and hatred turned my heart to stone. I was no longer able to see the beauty as I once did. Now it was the pain, in everything I saw pain. Was she punished for my un-lawful, sinful acts? IS it really true that bad things happen to good people, or is it that Good people love the bad and that they end up being collateral damage?

I know it had to happen but I wish it didn't have to happen so soon. It sounds selfish to wish for more. More time, more love, more her. I just wasn’t prepared, I know she was but I wasn’t.  I know that heaven has gained my pain and I will continue to strive for perfection, but until I get there I’ll see you soon.