5/5: Selah

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“The idea behind the conservation of energy is that energy cannot be created or destroyed, however, it can change form. Change is hard. Once a seed has been planted in us it feels like it’s near impossible to see or feel something different, but what if we could. What if were more advantageous than we ever even realised. What if we could nurture that seed and turn it into a beautiful sunflower. What if?

I woke up, the next day, for the first time in ages feeling free. Like my yolk had been broken and my mind was finally free to think what it wanted to not what it was been forced to. I sat up in my bed and looked over at Dylan asleep. He looked so beautiful and peaceful I wondered if he’d always looked that way and I just couldn’t see it because I was allowing my heart to slowly rot. I got out of bed made myself a cup of tea and sat in the garden.  The only thing troubling me that morning was him. But not in the way you would think, seeing him at the allotment had me completely bemused. I felt nothing, no anger or pain. I was finally free but I still couldn’t help thinking about it. Deep down I knew I needed to speak to him but not tell him I was angry, I wanted to let it go completely. Part me thought the reason I may have been mentally fixating on the situation was because I was curious as to how he felt. But why did I care?  I realised it wasn’t about caring it was about finding true peace. If I didn’t let go of everything completely I would never be able to stop thinking about it and as much as the dust had settled in terms of my grief, it would become my shadow on a sunny afternoon.

“Morning babe, how you feeling?” he said wiping the eye matter from his face. “I’m good, I feel so good in fact. Do you want some breakfast?” “Yeah sure”. As I stood over the stove scrambling his eggs I was searching my mind for the ways in which I could let go. I had no desire to see him; I didn't want to see him ever again. I didn't even want a conversation with him I just wanted him to know how I felt and where I was going from here. My mum always told me when you have something to say and you don’t know how write it down.  So that's what I did. I served up Dylan’s breakfast and went up to my room. 

I thought it would take me hours to write the letter. I thought that when it came to it I wouldn’t know what to say but it literally spilled out.  As soon as I wrote the goodbye I smiled and knew I was finally waking up from this nightmare.  The letter read as follows:

Mal,

I’m not going to sit here and tell you how low, worthless, disgusting, inferior, tarnished, disgraced, upset, devastated or ill you have made me feel because you probably already know. Judging by your face at the allotment you’ve been having just as bad a time as me. For a while I detested you, I despised your very existence and often envisioned you being slowly burned to death. However those feelings are gone now, I feel absolutely nothing. I think I would care more about killing an ant than if I ever saw your face again.

When I stupidly went to your house after it happened you tried to intimidate me, at the time I thought it was because you were a monster and you were just stamping your ever impeding foot of evil. But then I realised it was because you were scared, not of me or even if I was going to tell the police. You were scared of what you were capable of doing because I think you were just as shocked as I was. This letter is a line, a line under everything.

I've been struggling with the word forgiveness for months; if I forgive but hold on to those angry thoughts then it defeats the point because it would still get at me. Forgiveness should be all or nothing, if I forgive you I forget everything and I choose not to have you in my life. I’m not there yet, even though I don’t feel pain, the act still sickens me to my stomach. I’ve realised that forgiveness is not for you it’s for me, it’s where I can get to a point where the horrific events that have taken place no longer define me but  make me stronger, stronger in mind, stronger in spirit and in myself.   All I ask of you is that you do the same; you search yourself and find out that location of the darkness inside you not for my sake but for the sake of the girl who will see what I once saw in you.  I don’t want a reply to this letter; I just wanted you to know.

I hope I never see you again because it would mean you’ve listened and acted upon what I’ve said.

The only thing left now is

Goodbye.

As I closed and sealed the envelope I sealed away all my pain, heartbreak and tears. It was over, I was free and I could now give myself completely to Dylan, and what’s more I could finally start becoming the woman I wanted to be.

The End

4/5: Misericordia

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“Mercy said no.  That's why we’re all here. God gave up his only son to save a bunch of wasters and allow them to repent and have everlasting life. That's a big deal. If God can do that surely forgiveness is, by some degree, an adequate request. But what is it to forgive? Do we forget the past and continue on? Or do we forget the transgression but make the wrong doer give us an emotional affidavit that it shall never happen again consequently meaning it’s forever held in your heart? Forgiveness should be an absolute but sometimes it is hard when your heart has been ripped to pieces.”

Things with Dylan were great. Our relationship was like none I’d had before. It wasn’t purely physical and our conversations didn't consist of stories of when we were drunk and disorderly. It was scaring me how much of myself I allowed him to see. Usually I only showed people what I wanted them to see but Dylan was able to see through that defence mechanism and see me for what I was. His honesty was what I loved most about him. He told me everything when he was sad, when he was scared, when he was angry, he hid nothing from me. I could see through everything that he was still hurting so deeply about the death of his father. He told me things I’m sure he told no one else which made me feel special and what’s more it made what we had real. The only thing lingering over our relationship was that his honesty, as beautiful and profound as it was, only evoked a guilty emotion within me.  He had divulged everything to me about one of the darkest periods in his life. He had stripped himself bare and let himself be vulnerable with me whilst I held on to the biggest secret of all. Every now and then I would get so close to telling him, I could feel the words dancing on my tongue but I was always halted by the overpowering cloud of fear.  What if he thought I was damaged, or weak for not speaking out, what if he then just didn't want anything to do with me. What then?  Not knowing how he would respond to my ‘tell all’ was just as bad as the guilt I felt for not telling him. As we got closer and closer I knew the day was coming where I would have to tell him the truth.

As my eyes slowly opened I could see my phone flashing from the corner of my eye. It was Dylan. “ hey” I said with my croaky morning voice. “hey, sorry did I wake you up?”, “no, no its fine I need to be up anyway” I said trying to sound convincing knowing full well he knew I was lying. “hahah okay well I’ve got a surprise for you, meet me at the allotment at 12”.  Usually I didn't like surprises but with Dylan I felt like I was a different version of myself, a better one.

I arrived at the allotment early, as shocking as it was to me, eagerly anticipating what he had in store for me. It was such a beautiful day, such glorious sunshine to be out in.  Probably to do with the weather, the allotment was quite busy. The picturesque view was dotted with grandparents teaching their grand kids how to pick vegetables properly, couples soaking up the sunshine and... I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. It was him. Anger immediately consumed my whole body, anger that he had found me but furthermore that he had tarnished my one place of refuge and escape with his disgusting presence.  As soon as he saw me he froze. I could see the fear on his face as I’m sure the anger built on mine. He slowly backed down the hill turned around and walked away. I was surprised at the level of anger I felt. Up until this point the emotion that he evoked within me was sadness but now I was mad. As I stood staring in disbelief I didn't realise that Dylan was actually there and had set up a little picnic in between our two patches of allotment and was shouting my name to try and get my attention. Quickly realising I ran over to Dylan sat down and tried to control my breathing which had becoming very heavy. “What’s wrong” Dylan asked with a worried tone. I knew it was time to tell him. I knew it from the very moment I saw him sat down with the picnic but as I went to open my mouth nothing but a distraught stutter came out. As I looked at him I knew that as hard as this was going to be he deserved to know the truth. “There's something I have to tell you. Its honestly the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do so please just let me speak, don’t interrupt me so I can get through it”, “ are you alright? Okay I won’t interrupt” he said as he got comfortable and listen intently. “ A while ago something happened to me, something awful that I thought I would never ever come back from. Because of it I was carrying around so much pain.  My heart literally felt saturated with the hurt it caused. Of course I had no reason to feel ashamed but I did. I felt like I was dirty and I was the one who should bear the shame when it should of been him. Because of this I told no one, I carried it around with me and hoped that one day the pain and hurt would just go away. I was still somewhat patiently waiting for that day and then I met you. I know it sounds really cringey but you literally made me feel better. You made me feel like myself again but what’s more a better version of” I realised in speaking I hadn’t exactly told him what had happened only the emotional repercussions of it however I knew he knew. It was written all over his face. “ what happend?” I took 3 deep breaths closed my eyes and released the truth from my lips; “I was raped”. In that split second I cannot describe the weight I felt lifted from my shoulders. I felt that even if Dylan was to get up and walk away I would have faced my demons and told the truth.

He sat there staring at me for a while with a blank expression on his face as if someone had told him that Father Christmas wasn’t real. I had never heard silence quite so loud and in those quiet moments waiting for him to reply I went over and over in my head all the different reactions he could have. He didn't look freaked out but he didn't look comfortable either. I had sewn the seed of doubt within my head and thought I had definitely lost him for good and that I should never have said anything. “I am so, so sorry I can’t believe you’ve been carrying this around for so long. You know this doesn’t change anything yeah? I still like you and I want to help you like you’ve helped me with the stuff about my dad”.  I couldn’t believe it.  So shocked by his response I burst into tears and jumped into his arms and lay there feeling so safe for the first time in months. After I was all cried out he asked me more questions about it but I could see it in his eye that he didn't want to pry in case I got upset again.  The one thing on my mind however was how surprised I had been. Not that he’d been so understanding, or even that I’d seen the bastard but that I wasn’t angry any more  In telling Dylan more was released than just the burden. I didn't hate him any more, I felt nothing.

3/5: D- Day

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“Experiments have lead to the discovery of things that have enabled our world to keep turning, people to spend longer with their loved ones and people to know which road to take. Experiments however don’t always go according to plan; they often leave endless amounts of unavoidable collateral damage and often don’t produce the results intended. Although this damage can sometimes be catastrophic some might argue the damage is unavoidable. But does that justify the means?”

When he came he changed the game completely.  The idea of love or relationship hadn’t crossed my mind in months. I was so focused on getting better and trying to rebuild my life that I didn't want to confuse or damage myself anymore by trying to complicate things with another man.  But life in all its glory loves to throw you curve balls.

Dylan was sweet. He wasn't some romanticised real life version of those men in romantic comedies but he had a good heart.  After everything had happened I found some kind of peace by helping my granddad out in his allotment. It was quiet there, it was away from the hustle and bustle of life and I could really think about everything in my life and what I was going to do. Of course I wasn't the only person to realise the healing powers of the allotment. “ I see you here all the time”. That was the first thing he said to me.  And No I did not find it cute and qwerky and become instantly attracted to his weird charm, I ignored him. “I Know you heard me, ignoring people is quite rude you know” he said in a parental tone.  “yes and I've seen you”.  Instead of responding he held my stare with a increasingly annoying sarcastic smile then out of nowhere came...“ come for a drink with me later?”, “why would I do that, I don’t know you” I said quite abruptly. “Because I think you need me as much as I need you right now”. Those words hit me like a train on a track, my head pounding like I’d been bludgeoned by a baseball bat. Why did he think I needed him? Did he know? Was it written all over my face? Was I branded with a damaged goods symbol visible to everyone?  “Fine”. I blurted out unexpectedly, whether it was to shut him up or to Find out what it was exactly that he knew about me I don’t know, all I knew was that he had seen me like no else had in a while and I felt normal for 2 seconds.

Going out with Dylan turned out to be more therapeutic than I originally thought, we talked for hours and hours about everything, Music, Films, Politics it was amazing how much I told him. I hadn’t connected with anyone in this way for so long it felt odd.  I sat and listened to him talk about how he lost his dad when he was 16, my heart immediately thumping inside me. Of course to do with how tragic and awful it must have been for him but more so to do with the fact that it suddenly re entered my mind, my awful story, my past, my baggage. Was he only telling me this story to steal truth from my lips? As self centred and conceited and it sounds it was all I could think.  “ sorry I know it’s quite deep, there’s just something about you that made me spill my guts!” , “It’s fine” I replied nervously trying to sound reassuring. Why had this complete stranger showed me themselves with complete vulnerability? I couldn’t figure it out, but it suddenly made me feel like Dylan and I were one of the same.  Maybe I was being too uptight about the whole thing and that maybe emotionally I was more stable than I thought. Just because one thing had happened doesn’t mean it had to dictate the rest of my life. “right, I had better be off” I said quite abruptly. “ okay, well let me walk you home”, “  okay thanks” I said like a nervous school girl.  The walk home was peaceful we didn't say very much to one another but it didn't feel awkward it felt nice. As I walked up to the front door of my house I could feel his presence behind me, it didn't feel scary or claustrophobic that it was a man it felt right. Suddenly I thought here is a guy that is obviously attracted to me, I could find out once and for all if I could be with anyone else, if I could be intimate without having flashbacks to a darker time in my life. “ I had fun tonight, maybe I’ll catch you again at the allotment” he said starring quite intensely into my eyes. “I agree”.  I knew that this was my chance and so I leaned in and kissed him. He wasn’t as aggressive like the men I had been used to. His lips were soft and he held me close to him whilst stroking my hair. As he walked to the end of my drive way a very odd feeling came over me. I opened the door and sat on the bottom stair trying to get over what had happened. I didn't know if I liked it or was just relieved that I hadn’t freaked out. Either way I was extremely surprised and taken back by what had just happened.

As I lay in bed that night I felt so warm and relaxed. It was the best feeling I had felt in such a long time. I had something to look forward to as opposed to looking back. These feelings of happiness and excitement seemed like distant friends for so long and to be reunited with them was amazing. Was this it? Had I finally found myself again? Was I finally waking up from the nightmare that had become all to real?....