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“The idea behind the conservation of energy is that energy cannot
be created or destroyed, however, it can change form. Change is hard. Once a
seed has been planted in us it feels like it’s near impossible to see or feel
something different, but what if we could. What if were more advantageous than
we ever even realised. What if we could nurture that seed and turn it into a
beautiful sunflower. What if?
I woke up, the next day, for the first time in ages feeling
free. Like my yolk had been broken and my mind was finally free to think what
it wanted to not what it was been forced to. I sat up in my bed and looked over
at Dylan asleep. He looked so beautiful and peaceful I wondered if he’d always
looked that way and I just couldn’t see it because I was allowing my heart to
slowly rot. I got out of bed made myself a cup of tea and sat in the garden. The only thing troubling me that morning was
him. But not in the way you would think, seeing him at the allotment had me
completely bemused. I felt nothing, no anger or pain. I was finally free but I
still couldn’t help thinking about it. Deep down I knew I needed to speak to
him but not tell him I was angry, I wanted to let it go completely. Part me
thought the reason I may have been mentally fixating on the situation was
because I was curious as to how he felt. But why did I care? I realised it wasn’t about caring it was
about finding true peace. If I didn’t let go of everything completely I would
never be able to stop thinking about it and as much as the dust had settled in
terms of my grief, it would become my shadow on a sunny afternoon.
“Morning babe, how you feeling?” he said wiping the eye
matter from his face. “I’m good, I feel so good in fact. Do you want some
breakfast?” “Yeah sure”. As I stood over the stove scrambling his eggs I was
searching my mind for the ways in which I could let go. I had no desire to see
him; I didn't want to see him ever again. I didn't even want a conversation
with him I just wanted him to know how I felt and where I was going from here.
My mum always told me when you have something to say and you don’t know how
write it down. So that's what I did. I
served up Dylan’s breakfast and went up to my room.
I thought it would take me hours to write the letter. I
thought that when it came to it I wouldn’t know what to say but it literally
spilled out. As soon as I wrote the
goodbye I smiled and knew I was finally waking up from this nightmare. The letter read as follows:
Mal,
I’m not going to sit here and tell you how low, worthless,
disgusting, inferior, tarnished, disgraced, upset,
devastated or ill you have made me feel because you probably already know. Judging
by your face at the allotment you’ve been having just as bad a time as me. For
a while I detested you, I despised your very existence and often envisioned you
being slowly burned to death. However those feelings are gone now, I feel absolutely
nothing. I think I would care more about killing an ant than if I ever saw your
face again.
When I stupidly went to your house after it
happened you tried to intimidate me, at the time I thought it was because you
were a monster and you were just stamping your ever impeding foot of evil. But
then I realised it was because you were scared, not of me or even if I was
going to tell the police. You were scared of what you were capable of doing
because I think you were just as shocked as I was. This letter is a line, a
line under everything.
I've been struggling
with the word forgiveness for months; if I forgive but hold on to those angry
thoughts then it defeats the point because it would still get at me.
Forgiveness should be all or nothing, if I forgive you I forget everything and I
choose not to have you in my life. I’m not there yet, even though I don’t feel
pain, the act still sickens me to my stomach. I’ve realised that forgiveness is
not for you it’s for me, it’s where I can get to a point where the horrific events
that have taken place no longer define me but make me stronger, stronger in mind, stronger
in spirit and in myself. All I ask of
you is that you do the same; you search yourself and find out that location of
the darkness inside you not for my sake but for the sake of the girl who will
see what I once saw in you. I don’t want
a reply to this letter; I just wanted you to know.
I hope I never see you
again because it would mean you’ve listened and acted upon what I’ve said.
The only thing left
now is
Goodbye.
As I closed and sealed the envelope I sealed away all my
pain, heartbreak and tears. It was over, I was free and I could now give myself
completely to Dylan, and what’s more I could finally start becoming the woman I
wanted to be.
The End
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