“For arguments sake let’s say they deserved it. It was a justified
punishment for the crimes committed, crimes against the very foundations that
this world was built upon and the innocent who inhabit it.‘The debt that all men pay’, A phrase that wouldn't let me go, a phrase that raises as many questions as it answers and a phrase that every person will face . After endless amounts of sleepless nights trying to find the answers
or produce justified arguments to my opinions I realised then that all my
questions would be answered in death.”
I thought I finally knew what love was all about when I met him.
He was this majestic, benevolent man, the kind a you literally only ever
dreamt about. He had long flowing blonde hair, eyes as beautiful as they were
daunting and a charm that was truly bewitching. I was always such a defiant character,
doing the opposite of what anyone told me, because it meant I was in control.
Being with him was just another manifestation of that trait; he wasn't what my
parents or friends would have wanted for me so he became all the more alluring. I was in love. It’s only now that
I can confess that I was caught up in an inevitably destructive fantasy that
would end in tears.
At first my two closest friends rejected him they thought he was
an egotistical, conceited prick. Which I can totally understand, he liked to
give you his opinion on things whether you wanted it or not. As undesirable as
that sounds, I admired that about him; that he stood up for what he believed in
and wasn't afraid to share it. As time progressed however, they came around. I
think once they realised how finally happy I was with him; they were willing to
over look his faults.
We fought like any normal couple do, getting jealous over ex’s, him
going out with his friends or me going out with mine the usual stupid shit that doesn't matter. But in those arguments I
noticed a temper, a callous, cantankerous attitude that you should not have
toward you girlfriend, the one person who is meant to be on your side and love
you unconditionally not indefinitely. The name calling is what go to me at
first, he’d call me a slut or a bitch which doesn't sound that bad but coming
from someone who I was in love with, the words stuck. By the end of the summer
2011 I just couldn't take it any more I didn't want be an emotional punch bag
for a person who after a while stopped apologising. So I left him and it was
hard because I still loved this guy, to me he was everything I wanted but so
little of what I actually needed which, in my case, proved to be fateful.
It was late September; I remember so well because all the kids on
my road were getting ready to go back to school. The sky was literally
squeezing out the last drops of sunshine before the autumn came and after
leaving him I felt like I had a sort of fresh start.
Ever since the break up he’d
been calling me non-stop texting me apologising profusely thinking I would just
go back to him but I didn't want to, above anything else I was certain of that.
So I just ignored him. That week it got
more intense, facebook, texts, call after call; it was just too much so I gave
in and said he should come round so we could talk.
I opened the door and he was stood there, eyes glazed over like
his soul was missing, perched on my doorstep with a malicious smile I will
never forget. I wonder now if he knew what was to happen. We went into the sitting room and he sat
down, I offered him a drink and he declined so I got straight to the point. “Right
this is ridiculous, it’s over and you need to accept that, I cant be with you any more because I don’t want to be’. I wish now I had been more honest with
him, I wish I had told exactly how I felt and what he was doing to me. As still as anything, he just sat there
watching me. I told him that I didn't want to play any more games I just wanted
it all to stop. He still said nothing. We sat in sat in silence for what felt
like forever. I feel that in that moment the universe was deciding my fate. ‘ I
want to get my stuff from your room’ he then blurted out with an authoritative
tone. “That’s fine I will go get all your stuff.” But he was having none of it;
he pushed past me and ran up the stairs to my bedroom. After waiting a while I
followed him in the fear that he was going to try and steal something or
manifest his anger in some fucked up way involving vandalism. I opened my bedroom door and he was lying on
my bed with just his trousers on. People
ask me if I was alarmed at this point, my answer to this day is still no. When you
love or have loved someone you feel like you know them and their limits, what
was about to unfold I never would of imagined he was capable of. “come here,
sit down. I just want you one last time and I will go, I promise”. In all honesty I thought about it, I just
wanted him to leave me alone. If being with him one last time would ensure that
it was a sacrifice I was willing to make. But my feet wouldn't move toward him, my body
was repelling his very presence. “I don’t want to please just get your stuff
and go”. Then he grabbed me and pinned me down. “what the fuck are you doing
get off of me” I said in a bold but trembling voice. But he wouldn't stop; he had me gripped so
tightly I was struggling to breath.
He picked up his t-shirt and gagged
me with it so I was barely able to breathe. I remember everything going quiet; I
looked him straight in the eye as if to say you don’t have to do this, you have
a choice. And I swear for a moment I saw
remorse, the stare of a scared man. But as quickly as it came it went; I looked
into his eyes and saw nothing. I said a littler prayer and begged God to make
it quick, I thought this was it. I was about to pay my debt. in and out, in and
out then stop. He grabbed his t-shirt and left. I sat there for what felt like hours
contemplating the gravity of the exceptional events that had just took place. Had
I been....
