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“Experiments have lead to the discovery of things that have
enabled our world to keep turning, people to spend longer with their loved ones
and people to know which road to take. Experiments however don’t always go
according to plan; they often leave endless amounts of unavoidable collateral
damage and often don’t produce the results intended. Although this damage can
sometimes be catastrophic some might argue the damage is unavoidable. But does
that justify the means?”
When he came he changed the game completely. The idea of love or relationship hadn’t
crossed my mind in months. I was so focused on getting better and trying to
rebuild my life that I didn't want to confuse or damage myself anymore by
trying to complicate things with another man.
But life in all its glory loves to throw you curve balls.
Dylan was sweet. He wasn't some romanticised real life
version of those men in romantic comedies but he had a good heart. After everything had happened I found some
kind of peace by helping my granddad out in his allotment. It was quiet there,
it was away from the hustle and bustle of life and I could really think about
everything in my life and what I was going to do. Of course I wasn't the only
person to realise the healing powers of the allotment. “ I see you here all the
time”. That was the first thing he said to me.
And No I did not find it cute and qwerky and become instantly attracted
to his weird charm, I ignored him. “I Know you heard me, ignoring people is
quite rude you know” he said in a parental tone. “yes and I've seen you”. Instead of responding he held my stare with a
increasingly annoying sarcastic smile then out of nowhere came...“ come for a
drink with me later?”, “why would I do that, I don’t know you” I said quite
abruptly. “Because I think you need me as much as I need you right now”. Those
words hit me like a train on a track, my head pounding like I’d been bludgeoned
by a baseball bat. Why did he think I needed him? Did he know? Was it written
all over my face? Was I branded with a damaged goods symbol visible to
everyone? “Fine”. I blurted out unexpectedly,
whether it was to shut him up or to Find out what it was exactly that he knew
about me I don’t know, all I knew was that he had seen me like no else had in a
while and I felt normal for 2 seconds.
Going out with Dylan turned out to be more therapeutic than I
originally thought, we talked for hours and hours about everything, Music,
Films, Politics it was amazing how much I told him. I hadn’t connected with
anyone in this way for so long it felt odd.
I sat and listened to him talk about how he lost his dad when he was 16,
my heart immediately thumping inside me. Of course to do with how tragic and
awful it must have been for him but more so to do with the fact that it suddenly
re entered my mind, my awful story, my past, my baggage. Was he only telling me
this story to steal truth from my lips? As self centred and conceited and it
sounds it was all I could think. “ sorry
I know it’s quite deep, there’s just something about you that made me spill my
guts!” , “It’s fine” I replied nervously trying to sound reassuring. Why had
this complete stranger showed me themselves with complete vulnerability? I couldn’t
figure it out, but it suddenly made me feel like Dylan and I were one of the
same. Maybe I was being too uptight
about the whole thing and that maybe emotionally I was more stable than I thought.
Just because one thing had happened doesn’t mean it had to dictate the rest of
my life. “right, I had better be off” I said quite abruptly. “ okay, well let
me walk you home”, “ okay thanks” I said
like a nervous school girl. The walk
home was peaceful we didn't say very much to one another but it didn't feel
awkward it felt nice. As I walked up to the front door of my house I could feel
his presence behind me, it didn't feel scary or claustrophobic that it was a
man it felt right. Suddenly I thought here is a guy that is obviously attracted
to me, I could find out once and for all if I could be with anyone else, if I could
be intimate without having flashbacks to a darker time in my life. “ I had fun
tonight, maybe I’ll catch you again at the allotment” he said starring quite intensely
into my eyes. “I agree”. I knew that
this was my chance and so I leaned in and kissed him. He wasn’t as aggressive like
the men I had been used to. His lips were soft and he held me close to him
whilst stroking my hair. As he walked to the end of my drive way a very odd
feeling came over me. I opened the door and sat on the bottom stair trying to
get over what had happened. I didn't know if I liked it or was just relieved
that I hadn’t freaked out. Either way I was extremely surprised and taken back
by what had just happened.
As I lay in bed that night I felt so warm and relaxed. It was the best feeling I had
felt in such a long time. I had something to look forward to as opposed to
looking back. These feelings of happiness and excitement seemed like distant
friends for so long and to be reunited with them was amazing. Was this it? Had I
finally found myself again? Was I finally waking up from the nightmare that had
become all to real?....
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