4/5: Misericordia

_____________________________________

“Mercy said no.  That's why we’re all here. God gave up his only son to save a bunch of wasters and allow them to repent and have everlasting life. That's a big deal. If God can do that surely forgiveness is, by some degree, an adequate request. But what is it to forgive? Do we forget the past and continue on? Or do we forget the transgression but make the wrong doer give us an emotional affidavit that it shall never happen again consequently meaning it’s forever held in your heart? Forgiveness should be an absolute but sometimes it is hard when your heart has been ripped to pieces.”

Things with Dylan were great. Our relationship was like none I’d had before. It wasn’t purely physical and our conversations didn't consist of stories of when we were drunk and disorderly. It was scaring me how much of myself I allowed him to see. Usually I only showed people what I wanted them to see but Dylan was able to see through that defence mechanism and see me for what I was. His honesty was what I loved most about him. He told me everything when he was sad, when he was scared, when he was angry, he hid nothing from me. I could see through everything that he was still hurting so deeply about the death of his father. He told me things I’m sure he told no one else which made me feel special and what’s more it made what we had real. The only thing lingering over our relationship was that his honesty, as beautiful and profound as it was, only evoked a guilty emotion within me.  He had divulged everything to me about one of the darkest periods in his life. He had stripped himself bare and let himself be vulnerable with me whilst I held on to the biggest secret of all. Every now and then I would get so close to telling him, I could feel the words dancing on my tongue but I was always halted by the overpowering cloud of fear.  What if he thought I was damaged, or weak for not speaking out, what if he then just didn't want anything to do with me. What then?  Not knowing how he would respond to my ‘tell all’ was just as bad as the guilt I felt for not telling him. As we got closer and closer I knew the day was coming where I would have to tell him the truth.

As my eyes slowly opened I could see my phone flashing from the corner of my eye. It was Dylan. “ hey” I said with my croaky morning voice. “hey, sorry did I wake you up?”, “no, no its fine I need to be up anyway” I said trying to sound convincing knowing full well he knew I was lying. “hahah okay well I’ve got a surprise for you, meet me at the allotment at 12”.  Usually I didn't like surprises but with Dylan I felt like I was a different version of myself, a better one.

I arrived at the allotment early, as shocking as it was to me, eagerly anticipating what he had in store for me. It was such a beautiful day, such glorious sunshine to be out in.  Probably to do with the weather, the allotment was quite busy. The picturesque view was dotted with grandparents teaching their grand kids how to pick vegetables properly, couples soaking up the sunshine and... I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. It was him. Anger immediately consumed my whole body, anger that he had found me but furthermore that he had tarnished my one place of refuge and escape with his disgusting presence.  As soon as he saw me he froze. I could see the fear on his face as I’m sure the anger built on mine. He slowly backed down the hill turned around and walked away. I was surprised at the level of anger I felt. Up until this point the emotion that he evoked within me was sadness but now I was mad. As I stood staring in disbelief I didn't realise that Dylan was actually there and had set up a little picnic in between our two patches of allotment and was shouting my name to try and get my attention. Quickly realising I ran over to Dylan sat down and tried to control my breathing which had becoming very heavy. “What’s wrong” Dylan asked with a worried tone. I knew it was time to tell him. I knew it from the very moment I saw him sat down with the picnic but as I went to open my mouth nothing but a distraught stutter came out. As I looked at him I knew that as hard as this was going to be he deserved to know the truth. “There's something I have to tell you. Its honestly the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do so please just let me speak, don’t interrupt me so I can get through it”, “ are you alright? Okay I won’t interrupt” he said as he got comfortable and listen intently. “ A while ago something happened to me, something awful that I thought I would never ever come back from. Because of it I was carrying around so much pain.  My heart literally felt saturated with the hurt it caused. Of course I had no reason to feel ashamed but I did. I felt like I was dirty and I was the one who should bear the shame when it should of been him. Because of this I told no one, I carried it around with me and hoped that one day the pain and hurt would just go away. I was still somewhat patiently waiting for that day and then I met you. I know it sounds really cringey but you literally made me feel better. You made me feel like myself again but what’s more a better version of” I realised in speaking I hadn’t exactly told him what had happened only the emotional repercussions of it however I knew he knew. It was written all over his face. “ what happend?” I took 3 deep breaths closed my eyes and released the truth from my lips; “I was raped”. In that split second I cannot describe the weight I felt lifted from my shoulders. I felt that even if Dylan was to get up and walk away I would have faced my demons and told the truth.

He sat there staring at me for a while with a blank expression on his face as if someone had told him that Father Christmas wasn’t real. I had never heard silence quite so loud and in those quiet moments waiting for him to reply I went over and over in my head all the different reactions he could have. He didn't look freaked out but he didn't look comfortable either. I had sewn the seed of doubt within my head and thought I had definitely lost him for good and that I should never have said anything. “I am so, so sorry I can’t believe you’ve been carrying this around for so long. You know this doesn’t change anything yeah? I still like you and I want to help you like you’ve helped me with the stuff about my dad”.  I couldn’t believe it.  So shocked by his response I burst into tears and jumped into his arms and lay there feeling so safe for the first time in months. After I was all cried out he asked me more questions about it but I could see it in his eye that he didn't want to pry in case I got upset again.  The one thing on my mind however was how surprised I had been. Not that he’d been so understanding, or even that I’d seen the bastard but that I wasn’t angry any more  In telling Dylan more was released than just the burden. I didn't hate him any more, I felt nothing.